Decisions

Ideally I would have thought this through and not just taken a big step forward into the wild blue sky. But there you go, I always was impulsive, inclined to fail again where others only try once. For example, when I insulted my boss by calling him a nonce to his face. He deserved it, the way he chased the work experience girl around the place, disgraceful. And I thought: somebody ’round here ought to give him a face full of truth – sycophants.

Been out of work for six months and the rants from Sally reached such a point I drove her away.

“If you don’t like it – fuck off!” I said, and she did. She always had her head screwed on. Now I’ve lost the only person I ever could rely on – the structure of my days. My curtains have been closed for so long I think I’ve lost my way around the passage of the clock. The TV: my confessor, the message and the dock of judges I stood before. And after two weeks deliberation, maybe more, the verdict was…

And all those occasions I shoplifted for the thrill of it. And how I went and got married in a Vegas drive-through one Easter break in the USA, to Sally who worked as a PA in the company where I used to develop product concepts. Until I went and told the head thief he was a dirty old nonce, at which point everything changed.

…why not stop it all now, step off the 22nd and take a final plummet into liberation? It’s dawn and the city splutters below. Yawning and stretching as it comes up to face me…

And the time when I took on a debt to mortgage a little apartment nest, overlooking the canal and it was the best year of my life – I felt like I’d won on the roulette table. And then, not only me sacked but my wife presented with a humiliating test – your dignity or your pay, as the sex pest opted for ransom.

… I wish I could have told her how sorry I was that from a handsome salary we both should lose our jobs because of me and my rash decisions. If I could rewind a bit, I would talk to Sally and get all this said, but I’m past half way and rushing ever downwards…

What finally did for Sally was the loan sharks when they gathered and my days from then on were always going to be numbered. It was better she left than get herself lumbered with all the problems I’d brought upon us.

Now I come to think of it, there could be a solution if Sally still had it in her to try, but it’s too late the step’s been taken, damn I was too hasty again and I’m falling towards…

Oh God Sally, I don’t want to die!